Today is Mardi Gras, the day of indulgence before the six weeks of penance that lead up to Easter. Raised Catholic, casually Lutheran and often agnostic I’ve made up my own hodgepodge of religious beliefs. I go to Catholic Church on Easter, Lutheran on Christmas and in between I believe there is more than us in this universe, but wonder how we could have been left amongst ourselves to murder innocent children and rape ourselves of compassion. Yet, I cannot give up the hope of more in this world. That when I see a glimmer of sunlight on a peaceful waterway or a tiny flower peeking among the weeds that there is beauty in this world. Beauty greater than ourselves and the surgeon’s scalpel. Beauty within that we have been conditioned to bypass and oversee.
I have to believe in more otherwise, well I can’t imagine that darkness. And it’s not hope for God or heaven above but just hope for more. More within ourselves. I believed in the kindness of others and I still grapple with how that was shattered. I’ve come to appreciate the naïveté and innocence I had the same way I admire my children’s ability to take everything at face value and never consider the possibility of malice bubbling under the surface. Now I see it everywhere. I know that perception is simply a projection of what you expect. I expect malice. I expect to be hurt, to be abandoned and so I perceive it in every friendship. I weigh my words carefully and comb through other’s twisting them for that perceived slight. I’m waiting for that moment when I let someone in and they shut me out like I never mattered at all.
But I can’t give up. I can’t give up on myself. I might not shine as brightly as I did. I might not trust as fully. And I may wait and expect to be hurt, but I can’t let that mean that I don’t hope. That I don’t believe. That I don’t believe in myself. If there’s anything I’ve learned in the last five months is that I’m stronger than anyone expected. And I’m worth much more than some people valued. And I can’t let their oversight change my perception of my own worth. So for Lent this year I’m going to give up self-doubt, but most importantly I’m not going to give up on myself. Because like L’Oreal cleverly campaigned I’m worth it.
I’m curious to know, how do others navigate the waters of your perceived perception of what others think of you?
